Your frenemy Tom has gotten on your last nerve with his paranoia about the end of the world. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after Y2K turned out fine and May 21, 2011 passed without him getting raptured. But he's still afraid of the pending Mayan Apocalypse, the Large Hedron Collider creating a giant black hole or the deadly 2038 unix bug.
Fortunately for Tom, the Uzi Tactical Defender Pen can write notes underwater, which will allow him to write a parting note when North America sinks into the ocean. It also includes a hidden handcuff key, in case anyone arrests him (because he's insane) and he needs to break free. The best part of the pen is a tool that takes a blood sample upon stabbing someone -- just make sure he's not stabbing you.
Buy It: Uzi Tactical Defender Pen