How the Schmidt Stole Christmas With Chrome OS

Yesterday, Google CEO Eric Schmidt talked about how his company’s upcoming browser-only Chrome OS could change computing, moving all your applications into the Cloud and making your personality-less notebook into a mere terminal. The prospect of a world where computers are no more hackable or challenging than a microwave oven is every geek’s worst nightmare.

Fortunately, as with all modern troubles, Dr. Seuss warned us about this years ago:

Every geek
Down in geek-ville
Liked PCs a lot

But Eric Schmidt,
Who lived in Mountain View
Did NOT!

The Schmidt hated PCs! And he had his reasons.
Spinning hard drives, installed apps to him were both treason
It could be that his dock wasn’t centered quite right
Or the windows on his Windows were packed a little too tight
But I think the most likely explanation of all
May have been Google’s browser share was two sizes too small.

But whatever the cause,
His Mac or Wintel,
He stood there in Best Buy, hating that new PC smell
Staring down from his campus with a sour, Schmidty frown
At the bright colorful, desktops and the icons they surround
For he knew every geek down in geekville beneath
Was playing with PCs, they could open and tweak

“And they’re installing software,” he snarled with a sneer.
“It’s the age of the cloud. We can’t have that here.”
Then he growled, with his Schmidt fingers nervously drumming.
“I MUST find a way to keep Windows 8 from coming”

For, in 2011, he knew
All the geek girls and boys
Would buy new Core i5-powered toys
With Windows preloaded and IE 9 predeployed.
And then! Oh the hard drive noise!
That’s one thing he hated. Hard drive NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
The Schmidt got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Schmidt laughed in his Wave.
“I’ll build a browser-only OS that, on my servers, will save
All your settings and favorites, and even your photo
It’s so boringly simple; you won’t need sites like Gizmodo.

All your mail and docs and even your games
Will live on a cluster on a barge in the Thames
No more drooling and tooling over new CPUs
It won’t even matter what motherboard you use

Where you used to enjoy picking brand new computers
There’ll be only one type: 12-inch netbooks I’ve neutered
Where you used to read tips to avoid the blue screen
There’ll be no need for tweaks on my netbook so-clean

Oh, the geeks may not like it, cause it won’t allow hacking
Tech bloggers will hate it, cause it will send them packing
But the Schmidt knows just what will serve Google best
Is a world without software or hardware, just the new Chrome OS.”

And the geeks were all saddened to hear the Schmidt’s plan
Cause a PC-less world is a world way too bland
And many prepared to breathe a last breath
Cause life’s not worth living, without blue screens of death

Will the Schmidt’s plan succeed?
You’ll just have to stay tuned.
For the first Chrome-based netbooks
That should ship next June.

Avram Piltch
Avram Piltch
The official Geeks Geek, as his weekly column is titled, Avram Piltch has guided the editorial and production of since 2007. With his technical knowledge and passion for testing, Avram programmed several of LAPTOP's real-world benchmarks, including the LAPTOP Battery Test. He holds a master’s degree in English from NYU.
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  1. Michael Real Says:

    The moves of Google going in for the cloud may seem against the “open web”. But if we come to think of it as a new way of computing, there are advantages to it. Less cost on software and free storage. Of course if you are doing work that needs to be private, you would not want to use Chrome OS.

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