Forget everything you thought you knew about sight. A bold statement, yes, but one you’ll do well to remember should you choose to make the same life-changing decision I recently plunged eyeball-first into. HD (or high-definition to those of you who spent the last decade or so in a Siberian cave) is a term that gets tossed around a lot lately, what with your high-def TVs, laptops, camcorders, and flannel-lined long underwear. And while only one of those items can be found in the holiday edition of an L.L. Bean catalog, the rest often fall short when it comes to the visual quality you expect after plunking down $500-plus for the latest cutting-edge technology.
Enter the HD Vision Ultra Sunglasses. Brought to you by the good people we’ve all seen on TV, these slick shades claim to employ their patented “HD-400 Glare-Block Technology—a selective light filtering technology that allows only the [sun]rays that focus clearly to get through.” What does this mean for you? The best damn sight you’ve ever seen, that’s what. And since these can be found for just $9.99 at any local Walgreens or CVS, you’re right to be initially skeptical. However, here at LAPTOP we take every type of definition quite seriously, so my editor in chief felt it necessary to send me into the field to put these so-called HD specs to the test.
The box clearly states that these sunglasses sport a “euro-style design.” I have no idea what this means, but the rest of the packaging is adorned with relaxed and satisfied-looking 30-somethings who each have smiles on their faces comprised of both subtle constipation and mild amusement. I suppose that lines up with most things I’ve heard about Europe, but then again, I’ve never been overseas; I’ll have to take the box’s word for it. On the plus side, they’re certainly not the ugliest shades I’ve ever worn.
The sunglasses themselves are light and fairly form-fitting, though the lenses pick up fingerprints quite easily. While normally this wouldn’t be a problem, the care instructions clearly state that these patented pieces of art can only be cleaned with a soft cloth and the bitter, bitter tears of Glenn Beck collected during the winter solstice. Shipping and handling for these supplies, of course, is not included.
The lenses, as you’ll immediately notice, are of an unmistakable orange hue. It’s a color that says, “I’m successful, I’m seeing the world clearer than ever before, and if I have a mustache you’d do well to keep your children at least 12 feet from my person.”
Putting on the HD Vision glasses for the first time is kind of like losing your virginity: a little awkward at first, but everything starts to make sense after 20 minutes or so. The orange color takes some getting used to, but once I do—hoo boy! The day is sunny and bright, yet the HD Vision glasses effectively curb the enthusiasm of said brightness, and this is literally the clearest I’ve ever seen. (Granted, I just got a new contact prescription a few weeks ago, but hot damn.) The striking visuals of Times Square are nearly overpowering as it is, but like two Avatar smurfs connecting ponytails, now it’s like I’m actually seeing the square, becoming one with it. The new color contrasts I’m experiencing are nothing short of remarkable.
It’s a cloudy morning, but I wear the HD sunglasses regardless on my way to work. While walking to the subway I notice an attractive young woman making her way toward me, and as she approaches she sends a coy little smile and wink my way. No big deal, right? Here’s the thing: she’s four blocks away, but I was totally able to see that! Awesome.
My managing editor approaches my cubicle around lunch time and asks me why I’ve been wearing sunglasses indoors all day. I explain to her that I think the resolution of my computer is HD, so by wearing HD glasses and watching an HD screen, I’m technically viewing HDx2, and having a mind-blowingly awesome time copyediting the latest articles for our upcoming June issue. She sighs and wonders aloud whether or not I have a firm grasp on math, physics, or general common sense before shaking her head and returning to her (low-def) workday.
It’s time for the ultimate test. We have a 42-inch Samsung HDTV in our office, so to really assess the HD Vision’s chops, I lower the lights in our computer lab and pop in a Blu-ray of Avatar. How good is HD played over HD and watched in HD? My jaw drops with a painful “thump” during the previews, and when the movie starts I literally soil myself within mere minutes. Petrified by what’s happening in front of my face and what just happened in my pants, I remain frozen in place for 86 more minutes before a fellow staffer happens upon me and drags me out of the lab. He suggests I take it easy with the HD stuff for a while, but no way man, you have no idea what you’re missing.
Having mostly recovered from my HDx3 experience, I feel it’s time to turn my review to the world of sports. And what better place to test out superior vision than the new Yankee Stadium? The Baltimore Orioles are playing tonight, so a few LAPTOP staffers and I roll down to the game. The last thing I remember is taking my first sip of beer before glancing up at the megatron screen above center field. Alex Rodriguez is up there announcing his name, position, and uniform number to the crowd in a gloriously monotone fashion, but before everything goes dark I can feel his enormous eyes peering into my soul.
It’s been roughly 72 hours since I’ve removed my HD Vision Eyeballs. That’s right, I have become one with them, and they are now a part of me. I refuse to look at anything in less than 3200p, which by my calculations is how I’m viewing the world around me. My girlfriend inexplicably broke up with me last night because I refused to acknowledge her presence with naked eyes, and everyone at work is giving me bewildered looks with their ignorantly orange faces. They’ll never understand. I barely remember the former life I’ve left behind, and though my future is orange and uncertain, there’s one thing I do know: nothing will ever be the same.
Get the HD Vision sunglasses today.
Overall, I award this product 5/5 enthusiastic euro-style faces: Borat’s Choice!