Farmville Reviewed By an Ex-Farmhand

Wrapping It Up

YES.I call up our Editor in Chief around 4:30 p.m., lamenting my lack of Farmville status symbols. For just 69 Farm Bucks, I report, I could be the proud new owner of a Deluxe Lodge, which would go perfectly with my incoming wheat crop. I would also really like to own a coconut tree, and something called a “secret cow”, a beast that sounds realistically implausible but at the same time intriguing. He informs me that my Farmville finances will definitely be on the company’s radar, but in light of our nation’s current economy my avatar might have to live in a tent for the next fiscal quarter.

Final Verdict

Overall, I award Farmville 2 1/2 bags of fertilizer.

Pros

  • Game allows you to pretend you have some sort of agricultural degree by placing both dull and exotic animals and plants in your charge.
  • If you’re too lazy to maintain your farm, it appears that your neighbors can step in and do some of it for you. Or they might do this anyway if they’re bored. Which they are. Because they’re on Farmville.
  • I know I made fun of it before, but you can have a freakin’ villa on your farm’s property. I, for one, can guarantee with almost 100 percent certainty that I will never own a villa. Anywhere. You can’t put a price on that kind of escapism. Well, I guess you can, since it costs 1 million imaginary farming coins. Or roughly $566 real dollars. Let that sink in.

Cons

  • Having the option to own a hot rod tractor. While it sounds cool in theory, there’s a reason The Fast and the Furious features vehicles that don’t start with “John” or end with “Deere.” Why? Because there isn’t a single agricultural function of a tractor that requires you to exceed 20 mph, and doing so will result in the accidental damage of your equipment. No joke.
  • Not enough man-on-fox violence. They might look cute when they’re young, but it’s a known fact that every fox grows up to be a vicious, godless creature that will destroy (or at least frighten) the world around it.
  • No virtual credit card option.  Trust me, it’s just a thief’s paradise waiting to happen.
  • Too much irony.
  • I refuse to believe there exists any elephant farms on this earth. Or at least America.

On a side note, does anyone know how to change the name of your farm to “Residence of the Fox Avenger”?

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  1. Brad Says:

    As a technogeek who also contains a healthy dose of redneck and some land in the country I heartily approve of your suggested method of fox control. Although personally I would use .223 out of an AR-15.

  2. lenni Says:

    Haha! Mr. Fink’s assesment of Farmville was great! I appreciate his humor as he attempts to build a fantasy farm.. but i suspect he has somehow been scarred for life by some innocent fox in his childhood… a re-occuring nightmare, perhaps? Good to know Farmville is a safer place in thanks to the ” Fox Avenger”

  3. Bennett Nevison Says:

    Enjoy the game for what it is guys, a game. Don’t get to frustrated early on, it is going to take some time and patience to get good at the game, but it can be a very fun way to relieve some of the days stresses.

  4. Silver Bullet Says:

    Why is it that these games must be based in reality? I’ve been on a real farm, and being a city boy, if that doesn’t make you want to fall into a coma or run in fear of 16 hours of slave labor a day, then I don’t know what will. Farmville is a game that has a sense of humor. I own a Hot Rod Tractor… and it’s funny watching it blow fire while harvesting my crops, and of course I would never see one in real life. Also, a million coins seems like going from here to the moon, but in reality, you can get that amount of coins with the right crop and harvest it every 2 days, repeat 5 more times and have a million coins, it’s not that hard. Also, it seems the writer kept the game running all day? That’s not necessary either – just a simple 10 minutes to check in on your crops and animals and your done, no need to sit there staring at the dirt. Also don’t forget, all the many bonuses, arbor hands, farm hands, prizes and gifts you can grab from all the Facebook updates throughout the day, makes getting ahead in this game much easier, and keeps it free. Unless your very impatient, there is no need to buy FarmBucks. it’s an enjoyable game, when taken in moderation.

  5. Devil's Advocate Says:

    Hey Silver Bullet, are you employed by FarmVille? You seem like you’d make a great spokesman. Also, are you aware of the words ‘satire,’ ‘lampoon,’ and ‘parody’? All synonyms, incidentally.

    Reading your comment was about as refreshing as rolling in a pile of rabid skunks before attending a BBQ of dirty hamsters.

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