Farmville Reviewed By an Ex-Farmhand

Fox and Raccoon Attack(s)!

The face of terror.Within a half hour, I receive a notification that one of my friends’ farms is getting attacked by foxes. Would I like to lend a helping hand, the game implores? As my avatar has nothing better to do than watch the six pieces of dirt I own do their dirt thing (if you scroll your mouse over each plot, it tells you the percentage in which that land’s crop is ready for harvesting), I accept, and within a few clicks I’ve somehow saved the day; my courageousness is rewarded with a bunch of experience points and I think some coins. Not sure what else to do with my time, I use some money to buy a sack of wheat and eggplant seeds, since this is no doubt the path to some of kind of protection from the elements. And probably more foxes. (On a truthful side note, I was terrified of wild dogs as a child, and it’s slightly disconcerting that Farmville knew to exploit my previous fears and make a fox battle my first challenge.)

You just never know when a gaggle of raccoons can overtake your livlihood.I leave the game running all afternoon while I work (there’s some irony in there somewhere, I just know it), and throughout the day there are no less than four more neighboring wildlife attacks that demand my attention. I don’t know how my Facebook Farmville friends knew so quickly that I was in the mix, but I proceed to systematically save them from raccoons, gophers, crows, and whoops, looks like that pack of foxes isn’t through just yet, because I have to chase them off a second time. God, they’re persistent. After each rescue, the game helpfully suggests that I surprise my friends by watering their plants, since they’ve been too gone or too lazy to do it themselves in the recent past. Sure, why not?

I feel compelled to comment here that the way in which Farmville deals with wild varmints is quite unlike the approach Crisis averted.taken in real life. If your solution to fox and raccoon attacks is to simply chase them from one farm to another, of course they’re going to come back; these are creatures of opportunity. No, in my experience (and as any farmer worth his salt knows), I’ve been taught that a .22-caliber rifle, a variety of burlap sacks, and a reliable spade-headed shovel is far more effective in keeping one’s property fox-free when their numbers have risen to the level that your farmland has fallen under their siege.

Step 1) Find the fox; Step 2) Fatally wound the fox with your .22-caliber rifle; Step 3) Douse the entire fox in antifreeze, thus poisoning any surrounding cannibalistic foxes who try to dine on their fallen friend; Step 4) Place the fox in a burlap sack; Step 5) Bury the fox. Repeat as necessary.

Also, let’s be clear about something here. While I’m sitting on a few clumps of dirt with a couple pockets worth of seeds and nothing more than my regrettably manicured hands with which to chase off these wild beasts, every single friend I saved from encroaching fauna possessed, lavish, lavish estates. I might be going out on a limb here, but most farms don’t have villas (1 million coins), tea houses (38 FV Bucks, whatever those are), or shoe houses (100,000 An elephant, just chillin' with the sheep.coins; it’s just what it sounds like, an Aesop’s Fables-style house shaped like a shoe), in addition to dozens upon dozens of plots for various plants, fruits, and vegetables. And animals. Oh yes, the normal livestock you might expect from the average American farm are all there—horses, cats, chickens, sheep, pigs, cows, and the like—but my more elite farming buddies even possess tigers and monkeys. And elephants. So in summation, my rich friends, with all their fancy buildings and exotic animals and wildlife, felt the need to call upon their most destitute newbie neighbor to chase away a few pesky predators with his bare hands. Classism, indeed.

Sanitation Conflagration

While I admit I’m new to the game, it’s also worthy of note that there appears to be no systems of sanitation or irrigation in place for each respective farm. As is common knowledge, most farm animals defecate, and such waste is generally distributed throughout the property’s fields for purposes of fertilization. Thus advances the great agricultural circle of life. If a Farmville software developer happens upon this review, allow me to suggest the addition of a manure spreader attachment for the tractors (reasonably priced, of course).

It also appears that every single farm sits on completely level ground, which in the real world would no doubt promote large quantities of standing water throughout any given property. This would naturally lead to unhealthy breeding levels of both mosquitoes and flies, which are known for spreading disease. (To be fair, I haven’t played the game long enough to know whether or not your farm can be wiped out by various forms of the Black Plague.)

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  1. Brad Says:

    As a technogeek who also contains a healthy dose of redneck and some land in the country I heartily approve of your suggested method of fox control. Although personally I would use .223 out of an AR-15.

  2. lenni Says:

    Haha! Mr. Fink’s assesment of Farmville was great! I appreciate his humor as he attempts to build a fantasy farm.. but i suspect he has somehow been scarred for life by some innocent fox in his childhood… a re-occuring nightmare, perhaps? Good to know Farmville is a safer place in thanks to the ” Fox Avenger”

  3. Bennett Nevison Says:

    Enjoy the game for what it is guys, a game. Don’t get to frustrated early on, it is going to take some time and patience to get good at the game, but it can be a very fun way to relieve some of the days stresses.

  4. Silver Bullet Says:

    Why is it that these games must be based in reality? I’ve been on a real farm, and being a city boy, if that doesn’t make you want to fall into a coma or run in fear of 16 hours of slave labor a day, then I don’t know what will. Farmville is a game that has a sense of humor. I own a Hot Rod Tractor… and it’s funny watching it blow fire while harvesting my crops, and of course I would never see one in real life. Also, a million coins seems like going from here to the moon, but in reality, you can get that amount of coins with the right crop and harvest it every 2 days, repeat 5 more times and have a million coins, it’s not that hard. Also, it seems the writer kept the game running all day? That’s not necessary either – just a simple 10 minutes to check in on your crops and animals and your done, no need to sit there staring at the dirt. Also don’t forget, all the many bonuses, arbor hands, farm hands, prizes and gifts you can grab from all the Facebook updates throughout the day, makes getting ahead in this game much easier, and keeps it free. Unless your very impatient, there is no need to buy FarmBucks. it’s an enjoyable game, when taken in moderation.

  5. Devil's Advocate Says:

    Hey Silver Bullet, are you employed by FarmVille? You seem like you’d make a great spokesman. Also, are you aware of the words ‘satire,’ ‘lampoon,’ and ‘parody’? All synonyms, incidentally.

    Reading your comment was about as refreshing as rolling in a pile of rabid skunks before attending a BBQ of dirty hamsters.

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