An Ode to Phone Names

Please Indulge me for a Moment while I Rant about something that’s hard to Behold. I don’t mean to Veer off topic and Incite a Revolution, but this Barrage of Shift-less cell names could cause me to Flipout at any second.

I understand that phone makers are just trying to Entice consumers and create a little Mystique with their Bold monikers, but buyers don’t Desire this Crush of cloying constructions. From the dull-looking Shine to the Glimmer and the Glisten, these names fail to Captivate, Fascinate, or Inspire any kind of Desire. Some even make me want to Slash my wrists with a Razr. Oh Snap! What an Epic fail!

I’m not saying that today’s top smart phones don’t deserve some Acclaim or even an occasional Accolade. When I Glance at the Vibrant screens and the way they respond to myTouch, I enter a Trance and want to shout ‘Bravo‘ or sing an Aria about their Intensity. The Bliss these phones Evoke hits their owners like an Incredible Thunderbolt during a Storm. In the Intensity of this mobile Rapture, only a Decoy like the KIN will be left behind to play BlackJack. No doubt super phone users are the enV of their Sidekick, their Ally, and the entire JetSet.

I don’t want to Wine, but if I could throw the vendors a Curve, I’d offer them this Hint. If you dub your devices with too much Gusto, it’ll Propel your Karma into the Vortex. To Cliq with users, you must Delve into your product’s features and Strive to limit your marketing Zeal. Make humility your Mantra, deliver a good user Xperia, and make each new release a Milestone. Showing humility is the way to Charm phone fans, Transform your image, and Sway sales figures your way.

If you want users to Devour your entries in the mobile Arena, try to Fathom these suggested names:

  • The MODest
  • The Efface, with efface time chat, of course.
  • The Pragmatic
  • The Frugal
  • The Sedate
Avram Piltch
Avram Piltch
The official Geeks Geek, as his weekly column is titled, Avram Piltch has guided the editorial and production of since 2007. With his technical knowledge and passion for testing, Avram programmed several of LAPTOP's real-world benchmarks, including the LAPTOP Battery Test. He holds a master’s degree in English from NYU.
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  1. Harry Says:

    Heh, very well done!

    From a cursory look, it seems like Samsung and HTC are the worst offenders.

  2. Linda Roeder Says:

    Love it! Sharing it with all my Geeky friends.

  3. Tom Says:

    LOL good piece. However, it defies logic why you left out my phone, the DEFY ;)

  4. Andrew Says:

    Hah. Real poetic post, Avram. Great job and I agree with you! (I also can’t stand Apple’s OS names…)

  5. Narain Says:

    Good one… Very well written.

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